Abuse Survivor Speaking Out

We found this at Tailored Life Coaching, the link to her post is:  http://tailoredlifecoaching.blogspot.com/2010/06/survivor-story-survivor-and-kids-still.html

This story was emailed to me to post here to help raise awareness to the issues that victims of domestic violence face.

THIS IS MY STORY...
ON DECEMBER 27, 2007 MY EX CAME HOME AROUND 6 AM DRUNK.  HE ACCUSED ME OF HAVING SOMEONE IN HIS HOUSE THAT DID NOT BELONG.  AT THAT POINT

Help Save Kids form Court Ordered Abuse

Petition to Reunite Lora Brislin with her two daughters Megan and Elizabeth: We, the undersigned, are standing together in an attempt to speak for these little ones who are not allowed to speak for themselves and, in order to prevent further destruction in their lives, we are asking that this case be revisited and that The Truth finally be brought into The Light so that justice can prevail: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/reunite-lora-brislin-two-daughters
Take Action and Sign Now!

Here is their story:

http://parentingabusedkids.wordpress.com/2009/12/28/petition-save-sisters-from-court-ordered-abuse/

Lora Brislin is the mother

Abuse Victim Wants to See Her Daughter Unsupervised

Is it too much to ask that this mom be able to see her daughter in an unsupervised visit?  The mom has done nothing wrong, has not done anything to her child...yet SHE is the one being made out to be a villain by the Family Courts in Kansas!  This mom was abused by the very man that now has custody of her daughter!  Please watch the following video and listen as the is battered mother speaks out about these atrocities.....

 

Abusers Use the Court System to Continue Victimization

This is a copy of the speech written by Gail Lakritz and given today by Angela Warren at the Pueblo Colorado Conference. This speech was given to judges, police, lawyers and DV advocates.
How Abusers Use The Court System To Continue to Victimize Their Partners and Children
When a woman finally makes that decision to end the abuse and to flee the abusive situation, she rightfully expects that the police, her lawyers and the courts will protect her and her children from further harm. Being a member of the Sheriff's Posse, that is what I was thought. After all, the courts always operate solely by the law, correct? (Scan audience for nods of agreement) We all know that does not happen and that is why I was so confused by my litigation. When injustice reared its ugly head, it flew in the face of everything I thought our country stood for, and, as with most victims of abuse, I came to realize that the system is stacked against the victim.
Today, I want

Remember When...part 1

*Trigger Warning*

A touch, a smell, a sound; sometimes even the faintest glimpse from the corner of the eye, can bring back a memory as if it happened five minutes ago.  A memory so deeply buried the mind no longer remembers the original happening, until that brief moment in time which yanks that memory to the fore-front of all thought.
Cooper...I taste bitter copper.  Oh, I’m not crazy.  That’s right I almost forgot, that is the taste of my own blood pooling in my mouth after being punched for I don’t know what this time.  My tongue running around my teeth, they are all still there!  Feeling a great relief at this!
Tentatively I open mouth a little, cool my jaw still works, so probably not broken.  My face is sore and stiff but it seems to all be working properly.  Blink.  Can’t.  Wait, what...can’t blink.  My hands are frantically searching my face for what is stopping my eye, just the left one, from working. 
Blood.  Is that from my nose, mouth....eye?  Get up.  Need to see a mirror, assess the damage done this time.  Slowly pulling myself to my hands and knees, oh my head is aching so bad.  I would rather just lay here.  NO!  I have to get up, make sure I am ok, get my self cleaned up.  I swore this would never happen again.
Head spinning, but I’m up!  Walking with an unsteady gait to the bathroom.  Look in the mirror...who is THAT?!?  That isn’t me!  WOW, this is way worse than last time.  Wonder what I did?  Ok, get in the shower, clean off the blood.  I scrub so hard, trying to make it all go away.
The more I scrub the more the memory (oh that illusive little thing) comes back.  Scrub harder so it goes away too.  Cry.  For here and only here are my tears hidden from view.
Back to the mirror.  Front door clicks.  Heart stops. 
Oh, it’s nothing.  Just my boyfriend, he was out, and brought me flowers.  Oh how nice.  I can go make dinner now and everything is fine.  I still can’t see from my left eye, though...that’s weird.
Inside my head everything is weird I guess.  I’m screaming....WHAT DID I DO?  Oh that’s right, I’m a lazy cow.  I remember now, while I am pulling a pan from the cabinet to start dinner.  How dumb of me to want to change from my work clothes when I got home, before I started dinner. 
How could I be so stupid as to think that maybe, just maybe since he wasn’t working he could have started dinner. 
Hands on my back.  Kisses on my neck.  Skin crawling.
I turn around.  Expecting...what I do not know.
Flash back to reality...I find gentle open arms, waiting to hold me...while I remember when...

How does DV effect children

I have submitted an article to Anonymiss for the Nov. 09 edition of their blog carnival.  They asked me to post this on my blog so that others would know about this edition in time to send in an article.

Nov 2009 DV Blog Carnival- How does DV effect children

Posted October 8, 2009

The Domestic Violence Blog Carnival that we set up is now accepting article submissions for the edition that will be posted on November 2nd 2009.

This editions theme is The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children.  To submit an article please visit the submission page:  http://blogcarnival.com/bc/submit_8381.html.  The November edition will be hosted here at Anonymiss.

To view last months edition please visit the UAADV News Blog Domestic Violence Blog Carnival October 2009

If you have a suggestion for an upcoming theme or would like to host the blog carnival for an upcoming month, please send an email to: contactanonymiss@gmail.com with your suggestoins.

Nov 2009 DV Blog Carnival- How does DV effect children - anonymiss

Effects of abuse on the Children

After a conversation I had the other day with a friend I decided to look more into the different effects that Domestic Violence has on children.   There is no doubt in my mind that it harms them in various ways.  We were just discussing the different ways that is does.

We were also discussing the fact that there is a tendency to compartmentalize the issues.  Many people, including some advocates, try to keep Domestic Violence as an adult issue.  However, I feel that it affects the children as well, and can not be just an adult issue to deal with.  All aspects have to be looked at and considered.

I wanted to come up with a comprehensive list of the differing effects and in my search to do so I found a fairly decent list, so decided to just give that list rather than trying to create another.

I found this list at:  Women’s Rural Advocacy Programs

• Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may "indirectly" receive injuries. They may be hurt when household items are thrown or weapons are used. Infants may be injured if being held by the mother when the batterer strikes out.
• Older children may be hurt while trying to protect their mother.
• Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may experience cognitive or language problems, developmental delay, stress-related physical ailments (such as headaches, ulcers, and rashes), and hearing and speech problems.
• Many children in homes where domestic violence occurs have difficulties in school, including problems with concentration, poor academic performance, difficulty with peer interactions, and more absences from school.
• Boys who witness domestic violence are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. There is no evidence, however, that girls who witness their mothers' abuse have a higher risk of being battered as adults.
• Taking responsibility for the abuse.
• Constant anxiety (that another beating will occur) and stress-related disorders.
• Guilt for not being able to stop the abuse or for loving the abuser.
• Fear of abandonment.
• Social isolation and difficulty interacting with peers and adults.
• Low self-esteem.
• Younger children do not understand the meaning of the abuse they observe and tend to believe that they “must have done something wrong.” Self-blame can precipitate feelings of guilt, worry, and anxiety.
• Children may become withdrawn, non-verbal, and exhibit regressed behaviors such as clinging and whining. Eating and sleeping difficulty, concentration problems, generalized anxiety, and physical complaints (such as headaches) are all common.
• Unlike younger children, the pre-adolescent child typically has greater ability to externalize negative emotions. In addition to symptoms commonly seen with childhood anxiety (such as sleep problems, eating disturbance, nightmares), victims in this age group may show a loss of interest in social activities, low self-concept, withdrawal or avoidance of peer relations, rebelliousness and oppositional-defiant behavior in the school setting. It is also common to observe temper tantrums, irritability, frequent fighting at school or between siblings, lashing out at objects, treating pets cruelly or abusively, threatening of peers or siblings with violence, and attempts to gain attention through hitting, kicking, or choking peers and/or family members. Girls are more likely to exhibit withdrawal and run the risk of being “missed” as a child in need of support.
• Adolescents are at risk of academic failure, school drop-out, delinquency, substance abuse, and difficulties in their own relationships.

This whole discussion came about because I saw that the Domestic Violence Blog Carnival started by Anonymiss is discussing this as the theme for the November Edition of the Carnival.

Domestic Violence or Just an Argument?

I have noticed recently, well over the last several months, that more and more instances of domestic violence where police are called in are being reported as arguments or fights. This has really gotten to me. When it is domestic violence there is not a mutual fight nor is there a mutual argument most of the time.

Domestic Violence has a pattern to it. To see the cycle of abuse wheel go here: http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/Learning%20to%20Recognize%20Abuse.pdf The first page has the three stages of abuse on it with details and the second page shows the Power and Control Wheel.

Domestic Violence is about control, or as some say power, either way it is the same. It does not happen because the finances are tight or someone is stressed out. Those things can make a person lash out at loved ones, yes. However, those things are not what prompts an abuser. The wanting to control another person is what drives an abuser and they will use every excuse they can think of to manipulate others into 'seeing things their way'.

While I do not think that physical fighting is ever the way to handle a situation I can say I do believe that there is a difference in someone getting stressed about loss of income or finances or whatever else and striking out. When this happens, yes it usually is a two-sided argument and one side or the other has a momentary lapse of control of their own anger and hits the other.

Domestic Violence is a continuos cycle! It begins with the small things that many do not recognize as even being abusive at first. Many women that I have talked to say that when they look back at it they clearly see now when it began but not at the time it was going on. Many start out with verbal abuse or mental abuse. Usually not escalating to physical abuse until they are sure their victim believes whatever threats they have made and they are sure they have complete and utter control over the victim.

Although I agree that men are responsible for the majority of physical domestic violence I believe that women are responsible for much of the verbal and mental abuse; they just never go as far as to start hitting to get their way. It is a fact of life that most women just simply are not strong enough to beat the crap out of a man on a regular basis. Manipulative women generally will use tears rather than their fists to get their way; because that is what works. Have you ever heard someone comment that a certain man is 'hen-pecked' or in days more colorful language 'pussy-whipped'.

People joke all the time about men wearing the pants in the family and I have heard a few even joke about the women controlling the belt that holds those pants up. Marriage and intimate relationships are supposed to be a 50/50 relationship, each person bringing their strengths and complementing the other to make things run smoothly in the household. Neither party should ever think they have the right to order the other about or be the 'boss' over the other.

Please take a look at the link I listed above and if you think you are in an abusive relationship please seek help with your local DV Shelter or agency. If you are not sure how to reach them call your state domestic violence hotline. If you can not find that number then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

Before you leave an abusive relationship make a safety plan, if you can. Visit WomensLaw.org for legal info and state specific laws.