Help Save Kids form Court Ordered Abuse

Petition to Reunite Lora Brislin with her two daughters Megan and Elizabeth: We, the undersigned, are standing together in an attempt to speak for these little ones who are not allowed to speak for themselves and, in order to prevent further destruction in their lives, we are asking that this case be revisited and that The Truth finally be brought into The Light so that justice can prevail: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/reunite-lora-brislin-two-daughters
Take Action and Sign Now!

Here is their story:

http://parentingabusedkids.wordpress.com/2009/12/28/petition-save-sisters-from-court-ordered-abuse/

Lora Brislin is the mother

UPDATE: Dombrowski Case: Trial set January 8th, 2010 (The Murder of Motherhood)

December 18, 2009 -- Quick Publish to just update, will delve further as I can, Thank you my dear friends and family,

(To the Perpetrator and his many many attorneys and the dea Judge who is monitoring the ww for any activity relating to this case!)I will not shut up, give up and I WILL NOT GO AWAY!

Sin Denied Telling All; Reminding Others of Morals

UPDATE: Dombrowski Case:
SN. CO. Case No. 96-D-217

December 16, 2009
“ We walked into

Abuse Victim Wants to See Her Daughter Unsupervised

Is it too much to ask that this mom be able to see her daughter in an unsupervised visit?  The mom has done nothing wrong, has not done anything to her child...yet SHE is the one being made out to be a villain by the Family Courts in Kansas!  This mom was abused by the very man that now has custody of her daughter!  Please watch the following video and listen as the is battered mother speaks out about these atrocities.....

 

Leadership Council's Child Abuse and Custody Questionnaire

Found this at UAADV News Blog

The Leadership Council is conducting a survey about Child Abuse and Custody.  If you fit into a category where either of those pertain to you, I urge you to take this survey.  Below is a little about it.  It takes about 20 to 30 minutes.  Without people doing the research to show that laws need to be revamped, changed or new ones all together......these laws will remain and abuse will continue to reign, with very little consequences to the abusers.  Please pass this on to anyone else you think may be interested in taking this survey.  Any bloggers out there?  Blog it too, please!

Long URL:  https://www.leadershipcouncil.org/survey/index.php?ch=d88fc6edf21ea464d35ff76288b84103
Short URL:  http://bit.ly/3hf6hB

The responses on this questionnaire will be reviewed and tabulated regularly to supply information to the media, legislators and academic investigations.

The information you post is confidential and will be reviewed only by the researchers and administrators who are working with the data. It cannot be accessed by the public, and as research data is protected information.

The information from this questionnaire will be utilized for the purpose of furthering our understanding of child protection issues. Group trends will be shared, but no individual data will be shared without explicit permission from you.

Thank you very much for your efforts in helping us generate information that may protect children from abuse.

The Leadership Council is a nonprofit independent scientific organization composed of respected scientists, clinicians, educators, legal scholars, and public policy analysts. We are committed to providing professionals and lay persons with the latest scientific information on issues that may affect the public's health and safety. We also seek to correct the misuse of psychological science to serve vested interests or justify victimizing vulnerable populations -- especially abused and neglected children.  The Leadership Council - Homepage

Abusers Use the Court System to Continue Victimization

This is a copy of the speech written by Gail Lakritz and given today by Angela Warren at the Pueblo Colorado Conference. This speech was given to judges, police, lawyers and DV advocates.
How Abusers Use The Court System To Continue to Victimize Their Partners and Children
When a woman finally makes that decision to end the abuse and to flee the abusive situation, she rightfully expects that the police, her lawyers and the courts will protect her and her children from further harm. Being a member of the Sheriff's Posse, that is what I was thought. After all, the courts always operate solely by the law, correct? (Scan audience for nods of agreement) We all know that does not happen and that is why I was so confused by my litigation. When injustice reared its ugly head, it flew in the face of everything I thought our country stood for, and, as with most victims of abuse, I came to realize that the system is stacked against the victim.
Today, I want

Remember When...part 1

*Trigger Warning*

A touch, a smell, a sound; sometimes even the faintest glimpse from the corner of the eye, can bring back a memory as if it happened five minutes ago.  A memory so deeply buried the mind no longer remembers the original happening, until that brief moment in time which yanks that memory to the fore-front of all thought.
Cooper...I taste bitter copper.  Oh, I’m not crazy.  That’s right I almost forgot, that is the taste of my own blood pooling in my mouth after being punched for I don’t know what this time.  My tongue running around my teeth, they are all still there!  Feeling a great relief at this!
Tentatively I open mouth a little, cool my jaw still works, so probably not broken.  My face is sore and stiff but it seems to all be working properly.  Blink.  Can’t.  Wait, what...can’t blink.  My hands are frantically searching my face for what is stopping my eye, just the left one, from working. 
Blood.  Is that from my nose, mouth....eye?  Get up.  Need to see a mirror, assess the damage done this time.  Slowly pulling myself to my hands and knees, oh my head is aching so bad.  I would rather just lay here.  NO!  I have to get up, make sure I am ok, get my self cleaned up.  I swore this would never happen again.
Head spinning, but I’m up!  Walking with an unsteady gait to the bathroom.  Look in the mirror...who is THAT?!?  That isn’t me!  WOW, this is way worse than last time.  Wonder what I did?  Ok, get in the shower, clean off the blood.  I scrub so hard, trying to make it all go away.
The more I scrub the more the memory (oh that illusive little thing) comes back.  Scrub harder so it goes away too.  Cry.  For here and only here are my tears hidden from view.
Back to the mirror.  Front door clicks.  Heart stops. 
Oh, it’s nothing.  Just my boyfriend, he was out, and brought me flowers.  Oh how nice.  I can go make dinner now and everything is fine.  I still can’t see from my left eye, though...that’s weird.
Inside my head everything is weird I guess.  I’m screaming....WHAT DID I DO?  Oh that’s right, I’m a lazy cow.  I remember now, while I am pulling a pan from the cabinet to start dinner.  How dumb of me to want to change from my work clothes when I got home, before I started dinner. 
How could I be so stupid as to think that maybe, just maybe since he wasn’t working he could have started dinner. 
Hands on my back.  Kisses on my neck.  Skin crawling.
I turn around.  Expecting...what I do not know.
Flash back to reality...I find gentle open arms, waiting to hold me...while I remember when...

How does DV effect children

I have submitted an article to Anonymiss for the Nov. 09 edition of their blog carnival.  They asked me to post this on my blog so that others would know about this edition in time to send in an article.

Nov 2009 DV Blog Carnival- How does DV effect children

Posted October 8, 2009

The Domestic Violence Blog Carnival that we set up is now accepting article submissions for the edition that will be posted on November 2nd 2009.

This editions theme is The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children.  To submit an article please visit the submission page:  http://blogcarnival.com/bc/submit_8381.html.  The November edition will be hosted here at Anonymiss.

To view last months edition please visit the UAADV News Blog Domestic Violence Blog Carnival October 2009

If you have a suggestion for an upcoming theme or would like to host the blog carnival for an upcoming month, please send an email to: contactanonymiss@gmail.com with your suggestoins.

Nov 2009 DV Blog Carnival- How does DV effect children - anonymiss

Effects of abuse on the Children

After a conversation I had the other day with a friend I decided to look more into the different effects that Domestic Violence has on children.   There is no doubt in my mind that it harms them in various ways.  We were just discussing the different ways that is does.

We were also discussing the fact that there is a tendency to compartmentalize the issues.  Many people, including some advocates, try to keep Domestic Violence as an adult issue.  However, I feel that it affects the children as well, and can not be just an adult issue to deal with.  All aspects have to be looked at and considered.

I wanted to come up with a comprehensive list of the differing effects and in my search to do so I found a fairly decent list, so decided to just give that list rather than trying to create another.

I found this list at:  Women’s Rural Advocacy Programs

• Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may "indirectly" receive injuries. They may be hurt when household items are thrown or weapons are used. Infants may be injured if being held by the mother when the batterer strikes out.
• Older children may be hurt while trying to protect their mother.
• Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may experience cognitive or language problems, developmental delay, stress-related physical ailments (such as headaches, ulcers, and rashes), and hearing and speech problems.
• Many children in homes where domestic violence occurs have difficulties in school, including problems with concentration, poor academic performance, difficulty with peer interactions, and more absences from school.
• Boys who witness domestic violence are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. There is no evidence, however, that girls who witness their mothers' abuse have a higher risk of being battered as adults.
• Taking responsibility for the abuse.
• Constant anxiety (that another beating will occur) and stress-related disorders.
• Guilt for not being able to stop the abuse or for loving the abuser.
• Fear of abandonment.
• Social isolation and difficulty interacting with peers and adults.
• Low self-esteem.
• Younger children do not understand the meaning of the abuse they observe and tend to believe that they “must have done something wrong.” Self-blame can precipitate feelings of guilt, worry, and anxiety.
• Children may become withdrawn, non-verbal, and exhibit regressed behaviors such as clinging and whining. Eating and sleeping difficulty, concentration problems, generalized anxiety, and physical complaints (such as headaches) are all common.
• Unlike younger children, the pre-adolescent child typically has greater ability to externalize negative emotions. In addition to symptoms commonly seen with childhood anxiety (such as sleep problems, eating disturbance, nightmares), victims in this age group may show a loss of interest in social activities, low self-concept, withdrawal or avoidance of peer relations, rebelliousness and oppositional-defiant behavior in the school setting. It is also common to observe temper tantrums, irritability, frequent fighting at school or between siblings, lashing out at objects, treating pets cruelly or abusively, threatening of peers or siblings with violence, and attempts to gain attention through hitting, kicking, or choking peers and/or family members. Girls are more likely to exhibit withdrawal and run the risk of being “missed” as a child in need of support.
• Adolescents are at risk of academic failure, school drop-out, delinquency, substance abuse, and difficulties in their own relationships.

This whole discussion came about because I saw that the Domestic Violence Blog Carnival started by Anonymiss is discussing this as the theme for the November Edition of the Carnival.

Domestic Violence or Just an Argument?

I have noticed recently, well over the last several months, that more and more instances of domestic violence where police are called in are being reported as arguments or fights. This has really gotten to me. When it is domestic violence there is not a mutual fight nor is there a mutual argument most of the time.

Domestic Violence has a pattern to it. To see the cycle of abuse wheel go here: http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/Learning%20to%20Recognize%20Abuse.pdf The first page has the three stages of abuse on it with details and the second page shows the Power and Control Wheel.

Domestic Violence is about control, or as some say power, either way it is the same. It does not happen because the finances are tight or someone is stressed out. Those things can make a person lash out at loved ones, yes. However, those things are not what prompts an abuser. The wanting to control another person is what drives an abuser and they will use every excuse they can think of to manipulate others into 'seeing things their way'.

While I do not think that physical fighting is ever the way to handle a situation I can say I do believe that there is a difference in someone getting stressed about loss of income or finances or whatever else and striking out. When this happens, yes it usually is a two-sided argument and one side or the other has a momentary lapse of control of their own anger and hits the other.

Domestic Violence is a continuos cycle! It begins with the small things that many do not recognize as even being abusive at first. Many women that I have talked to say that when they look back at it they clearly see now when it began but not at the time it was going on. Many start out with verbal abuse or mental abuse. Usually not escalating to physical abuse until they are sure their victim believes whatever threats they have made and they are sure they have complete and utter control over the victim.

Although I agree that men are responsible for the majority of physical domestic violence I believe that women are responsible for much of the verbal and mental abuse; they just never go as far as to start hitting to get their way. It is a fact of life that most women just simply are not strong enough to beat the crap out of a man on a regular basis. Manipulative women generally will use tears rather than their fists to get their way; because that is what works. Have you ever heard someone comment that a certain man is 'hen-pecked' or in days more colorful language 'pussy-whipped'.

People joke all the time about men wearing the pants in the family and I have heard a few even joke about the women controlling the belt that holds those pants up. Marriage and intimate relationships are supposed to be a 50/50 relationship, each person bringing their strengths and complementing the other to make things run smoothly in the household. Neither party should ever think they have the right to order the other about or be the 'boss' over the other.

Please take a look at the link I listed above and if you think you are in an abusive relationship please seek help with your local DV Shelter or agency. If you are not sure how to reach them call your state domestic violence hotline. If you can not find that number then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

Before you leave an abusive relationship make a safety plan, if you can. Visit WomensLaw.org for legal info and state specific laws.

What NOT to say to an Non-Custodial Mother

This is based on the non-custodial mother (NCM) being non-custodial due to a custody battle with the child’s father or other family member.  This is not for those that are removed by Child Protective Services or another agency of the sort.  The following are examples of things that you should not ever say to a protective mother who has lost her kids (or is fighting to protect them) through the court to her abuser or even worse to the abuser of the child.

So, please keep this in mind as you read what NCM’s have had others say to them, why it is the wrong thing to say.  I have collected and added direct quotes from some NCM’s that for safety reasons are not named.  Imagine how you would feel after losing your kids to an abuser if these things were said to you.

I have written this article from the perspective of a life coach not only of NCM’s, but of abuse victims and advocates as well.  I noticed that there was a common thread of victims telling me what people were saying to them; as well as advocates saying that they had said something and couldn’t understand the reaction they received.  This is intended to be a brief overview for advocates, friends and family; as well as to show NCM’s everywhere that they are NOT alone or crazy!

Your kids will come back to you.  The first thing that goes through a mothers mind when this is said to her is “What when they are 18, and no longer know where I am?”  Because until then the child can not decide (in most states) and even if they could they are basically being held hostage by an abuser.  So, NO, the kid will not just magically reappear or ‘come back’.  Do not say things that could sound patronizing or even promising to a mother who is in fear for her children, it is never taken the way you may mean it.  Along these same lines are some other similar things that moms have been told:

• Your child will be 18 years old, in 8 years, then you can see them.  (What loving parent wants to wait that long to see their child?  Especially when that child is being abused or mistreated.)
• The abusive father will give the child back to you as soon as they are a teenager. (Not only is this not true, but if you can admit that he is abusive then you must also admit that he should not be raising the child; and therefore rather than tell the mother to just sit around and wait, you should provide help in getting the child away from the abuser.)
• You'll get your kids back (How do you know she will get her kids back, when will this happen, etc.  These are the things the mom thinks when this is said; so if you can’t answer those questions then don’t make the statement.)

You must not be telling me the whole story  There are mothers all over this country ( and others) that have lost or are loosing custody of their children to abusive fathers.  Non-abusive fathers do not fight to take their kids away from mothers that have done nothing wrong to the children or put them at risk in some way.  Abusers are very good at manipulation and control, they accuse their victims of the very same things they have done.  Protective mothers are emotional about their kids being in danger; as all good parents are.  Abusers can remain calm, cool and collected throughout the custody battle because they really just do not care about anyone but themselves; therefore they do not get emotional.  Rarely will they ever show their abusive side to others...only their victims get to see that.  Many victims of domestic violence are not believed for these reasons.  So one of the worst things you can do is to blame the victim by showing your disbelief in the situation in this way.  Other comments similar to this that should also be avoided are:

• He couldn't have been all that bad, the court would NEVER give children to a child molester or an abuser  (This, sadly, is just not the case for the reasons that I described above)
• If the mistreatment was really so bad your child would be complaining more, and be trying to get out herself.  (Many adult victims can not get out of abusive situations, what would make anyone think that a child could do any better?)
• I don't really believe _________, this just sounds so unbelievable, it can not be true.  (No matter what that blank is filled in with, it is just cruel to say this to a mother in this type of situation.)

 

The following are just heartless and cruel when you think of them in this context.  How would any sane, protective parent feel if told they must let their child live with a pedophile or an abuser?  Many mothers are threatened by jail if they continue to make ‘false’ reports.  Once jailed they know there is absolutely nothing they can do to help their children. 

• You'll get through this (How?) 
• Just don't think about it and move on  (How does one forget about a child that is being abused and just move on?)
• Get over it  (How?)
• Think of your other two kids, focus on them
• You have to forget this child, & move on with your life

Religious references Not all religious references to the situation are unwelcomed.  Offering to pray with or for a mother and her children are usually taken as they are meant; with kindness.  How please do not say the following unless you are prepared right then and there to get out the religious text I say this as all people are not Christian and therefore not everyone uses a Bible to back up the statements) where this can be found; show and explain it.  Even then the pain and heartache that the mother are going through may cloud her being receptive to turning to religion as she has done in the past for other matters.

• God never gives you more than you can handle
• You just have to pray harder, God will listen then
• You must have strayed, God doesn’t let this type of thing happen to people who believe in him
• God is testing you

Judicial References  Making statements or giving advice that are illegal are first off just bad practice, do not tell a mom to just ‘go get her kids’; without first knowing what you are talking about.  Many people in this country (and others) are very blinded to what really happens in family court rooms, until it happens to them.  Sometimes it is the money involved (in various ways), sometimes it is the fact that the abuser is manipulating the court officers; but regardless of the reason, it is happening.  Saying things like the following are counter-productive for a mother in a custody battle (or who has already lost custody) to hear and contemplate.

• Just get the judge removed or change the venue  (Not as easy as it sounds, if you are going to say this; back it up with a plan and some help in doing so.  This can happen is some cases but not many)
• You can't fight the system (This is basically telling the mom to forget and let it go.  Very discouraging and harmful!) 
• Judges and Lawyers are honest, they take an oath OR What did you do to have the judge dislike you?  (Judges and Lawyers are people just like the rest of us and can be bought and paid for as well as manipulated by abusers)
• They don't deny people their civil rights in America OR Corruption doesn't exist in America, Russia, yes, America, no (This is a very dangerous and naive assumption to make)
• Court records don't just disappear.  Are you sure you filed them (Again, don’t blame the victim and further the abuse by helping her abuser make her think she is crazy and incompetent.  As important as her kids are; NO she didn’t forget to file anything!) 
• The courts write up the decision, not lawyers  (Decisions are made between lawyers all the time outside the courtroom, all the Judge does is then sign whatever they say has been agreed upon.) 
• GALs are there to protect the children  (Again, they are also people.  Yes, it is their job to protect children but they too can be manipulated by an abuser.)
• Women say they or their children are being abused so they will win in court.  They are all false accusers  (This happens in so few cases that it isn’t worth going into.) 
• You don't know how to pick a lawyer: if you wore more makeup when you initially meet with your lawyer, maybe they would decide to take the case.  (Totally irrelevant!)

Quotes from moms who have experienced first hand some of the things discussed above:

A co-worker looked me in the eyes and said, "Wow.  My ex-wife had to majorly fuck up for me to get custody.  What did you do to lose?"  Then, the day I lost my kids, my fiancé said:  "Set a date today.  Now that you don't have kids anymore, you have no excuse to put it off."  "You can move in immediately, and now we can live anywhere we want because you don't have your kids holding us back anymore."~~A mom, after loosing custody to an abuser.

I loved (sarcasm) when people would say - well you married him.  Or even better - why didn't you get the house?  I think the biggest is you must have done something wrong.  I love the ones who say to me now that I should just not let her go to her dads.  Like yeah okay that would be the fastest way for me to lose custody. ~~Mz P

There are so many things that could be added here!  Please leave comments on this article to help others understand!

 Written By: Mary Morgan Posted  here with permission

Welcome!

Hi all and welcome to Obstreperous Expressions! We are glad you stopped by to poke around and hope that you will be coming back to read more!

First off why the name? Well as abused women and one of us being a non-custodial mom for so long, we felt that this name gave substance to why we are writing here. We refuse to be ordered about anymore, and we are going to be loud about it. We are strongly objecting to the control that has been forced on to both of us in the past by abusers and family court systems which allowed the abusers to continue controlling us. Here is where we have decided to express our objections!

We also would like for others to express their objections here as well. Leave us a comment, follow us in Google Reader and link to us. Send us your stories as well. We can post them up anonymously for you and even help you with scrubbing out identifying information if you need to do that. We are both using aliases (like you hadn't noticed that already) to both protect ourselves and others.

We plan for this to be a place where other victims of domestic abuse and the justice system can come to realize that they are NOT alone in this and gain the confidence they need to start finding the resources that can help. We want to empower victims to start objecting to the control being placed up on them. Even if a victim can not protest and object outwardly at first, even if they can't verbalize for fear of retribution; they can begin making plans to do so in the future!

We are taking every effort to verify any resource that we share here. We still will not be held accountable for the actions of said resources but we are not going to share things without first checking them out within our abilities. So, for instance, we will not just do a search on "domestic violence resources" and give you the top five results; if it were that easy you could do that for yourself.

We also understand that many will not agree with everything we have to say. We also don't care. As everyone is entitled to their own opinions; we have ours. Healthy debate is good for all; verbal attacks are not! I'm sure that the two of us do not even agree on every single aspect of what is being discussed here. Both of us do however believe firmly that if one is not part of a solution then that one is part of the problem.

This is our way of being part of a solution!

Ashley and DenomShi