Obstreperous Expressions

Abuse Survivor Speaking Out

2010-06-20T18:09:00.001Z

We found this at Tailored Life Coaching, the link to her post is: http://tailoredlifecoaching.blogspot.com/2010/06/survivor-story-survivor-and-kids-still.html

This story was emailed to me to post here to help raise awareness to the issues that victims of domestic violence face.

THIS IS MY STORY...

ON DECEMBER 27, 2007 MY EX CAME HOME AROUND 6 AM DRUNK. HE ACCUSED ME OF HAVING SOMEONE IN HIS HOUSE THAT DID NOT BELONG. AT THAT POINT HE SWUNG AT ME, AND HIT ME IN THE SIDE OF MY FACE. MY BEST FRIEND WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH, AND HE TURNED TO HER AND SAID 'YOU WANT SOME TOO BITCH?' SHE RAN. WHEN SHE REACHED HER CAR AND LOCKED HERSELF IN, SHE CALLED 911. I WAS STILL IN THE HOUSE, TAKING MY BEATING. WHEN THE POLICE SHOWED UP, IT WAS OBVIOUS THERE HAD BEEN A STRUGGLE. SHELVES HAD BEEN KNOCKED ONTO THE FLOOR, WHEN MY HEAD HIT THEM. MY GLASS COFFEE TABLE WAS SHATTERED. MY FACE WAS BADLY BRUISED. THEY DID NOT TAKE PICTURES. THEY ALMOST LET HIM GO, BECAUSE HE CONTINUOUSLY BEGGED ME NOT TO 'LIE' TO THE POLICE, AND TO PLEASE NOT TO THIS TO HIM. MY KIDS WERE AT HOME. THEY WERE STILL ASLEEP. I BEGGED OFFICERS TO TAKE HIM AWAY. THIS WAS NOT MY FIRST BEATING...AND MY BABIES WERE MORE IMPORTANT. I SAW THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO SAVE MY CHILDREN, AND MYSELF, FOR THIS WAS NOT THE FIRST...OR THE LAST BEATING. THE FOLLOWING WEEKEND, MY DOOR WAS KICKED IN 3 NIGHTS IN A ROW. THE WEEK AFTER THAT, HE FOUND ME AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY, AND GAVE ME THE MOST BRUTAL BEATING YET. HE VIOLATED A PFA, AND NOTHING WAS DONE ABOUT IT. THERE WERE NO "EYEWITNESSES" TO THE BEATING. THE WEEK AFTER THAT MY WINDSHIELD WAS BUSTED OUT OF MY CAR. I DECIDED THIS NEEDED TO END, AND I WENT INTO HIDING, AND STARTED TO RUN. HE WOULD FIND ME, AND BEG. I WOULD STAND MY GRAND, HE WOULD ATTEMPT SUICIDE. THE LAST SUICIDE ATTEMPT HE SHOWED UP WHERE I LIVED, AND SWALLOWED AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF PILLS IN FRONT OF ME...I JUST LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID "I HOPE YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING ME TO CALL AN AMBULANCE, IM NOT GOING TO", THAT TIME HE ACTUALLY LEFT...I WENT BACK TO SLEEP....

WE DIDN'T HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN, PHONE CALLS HERE AND THERE CUT SHORT. WE LET HIM SEE THE GIRLS ONCE OR TWICE, SUPERVISED ONLY...AND THEN THE CALLS AND CONTACT STOPPED. FOR 8 MONTHS, BECAUSE IN FRONT OF HIS MOTHER, HE SLAPPED MY 3 YR OLD BABY IN THE FACE AND CALLED HER WHITE TRASH WHILE DROPPING THEM OFF...IT ENDED THERE. MEMORIAL WEEKEND 2009.

OCTOBER 2, 2009

HE WAS FOUND IN CONTEMPT OF COURT FOR NON PAYMENT OF CHILD SUPPORT. HE WAS GIVEN A 6 MONTH SUSPENDED SENTENCE. AFTER 2 YEARS OF NONPAYMENT, HE IS ALLOWED 3 MORE MONTHS TO ATTEMPT, OR GO TO JAIL JAN. 11, 2010. I HAVE STILL RECEIVED NO PAYMENTS.

OCTOBER 20, 2009

MY MOTHER DROPS MY KIDS OFF, FOR UNKNOWN REASONS WITH HIS PARENTS....THE MINUTE MY CHILDREN STEP FOOT INTO THEIR HOUSE...SRS IS CALLED. THE ALLEGATIONS ARE CHILD ABUSE/NEGLECT, DUE TO A "KNOT" ON ONE'S FOREHEAD, AND THE OTHER'S "BLACK EYE". SRS CONTACTS ME, AND I EXPLAIN...WE WERE AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE, WHO HAS 2 OLDER CHILDREN. THEY WERE PLAYING ON BUNKBEDS AND HEADBUTTED EACH OTHER AT SOME POINT. THEY ARE KIDS...AFTER GETTING OFF THE PHONE WITH SRS, I RECEIVE A PHONE CALL FROM HIS PARENT'S "COME PICK THESE KIDS UP, I HAVE PLANS, AND THEY ARE TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE". CONSIDERING THEY ARE MINE, AND WERE TAKEN THERE WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE, SURE THAT'S FINE...

OR SO I THOUGHT...

THE CASEWORKER ON THE CASE DOING THE "INVESTIGATION", TELLS ME I AM "MINIMIZING" THE SITUATION. SHE BELIEVES MY HUSBAND IS ABUSING ME AND THE CHILDREN, AND I AM TOO AFRAID TO COME FORWARD. SHE HAS "SEVERAL STATEMENTS" FROM PEOPLE "CLOSE" TO US TO BACK THIS UP...FINALLY I TELL HER, I WILL NOT SPEAK TO HER ANYMORE WITHOUT PRESENCE OF AN ATTORNEY. SHE CONTINUOUSLY MAKES ME TO BELIEVE MY OWN FAMILY IS OUT TO GET ME, EVEN MY OWN MOTHER. I DON'T KNOW WHO TO TRUST, SO I QUIT TALKING TO ANYONE INVOLVED IN THE CASE. THIS WOMAN OFFERED A FEW FAMILY MEMBER'S MONEY, MONTHLY, TO TAKE MY CHILDREN. SHE OFFERED TO PAY FOR CHILDCARE, TO TAKE MY CHILDREN. SHE STATED TO ME SHE "DID NOT BELIEVE, I OR MY EX SHOULD HAVE OUR CHILDREN." THEN SHE DID THE MOST HORRIBLE THING POSSIBLE...SHE GAVE THE EX, MY ADDRESS, MY PHONE NUMBER, MY EMPLOYER INFO, AND CONTACT NUMBERS BELONGING TO MY FAMILY. HE HAD ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THIS INFORMATION TO BEGIN WITH. SRS PUT ME AND MY FAMILY, IN DIRECT DANGER, WITH A MAN WHO HAD ALREADY BEEN CHARGED AND CONVICTED, FOR BEATING ME. THE EXACT PEOPLE, WHO ARE SPECIFICALLY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING TO PROTECT MY CHILDREN...PUT MY CHILDREN AND MYSELF'S LIVES AT RISK...THEY GOT AWAY WITH IT...AND STILL ARE!

DECEMBER 2. 2009

A LETTER COMES IN THE MAIL FROM SRS. THE CASEWORKER ADVISES THAT SHE "EMPATHIZES" WITH MY SITUATION, AND HAD RECEIVED THE LETTER I WROTE HER. WHILE I HAVE THE RIGHT TO MY OPINION, SHE HAS SEVERAL FACTS AND STATEMENTS BACKING UP WHAT SHE "BELIEVES" IS GOING ON. DESPITE HER FACTS AND EVIDENCE, SHE WILL BE CLOSING MY CASE SOON. SHE ALSO ADVISES ME THAT IF THERE ARE ANY FURTHER REPORTS IN THE FUTURE, MY CHILDREN WILL BE AT RISK FOR REMOVAL FROM MY HOME....LATER ON THAT DAY....WHILE DOING LAUNDRY, I TELL THE KIDS TO STOP JUMPING ON THE BED...OF COURSE MY HANDS ARE FULL, AND THEY DO NOT LISTEN. NOT 2 MINUTES LATER, THEY ARE BOTH CRYING. I GO INTO THE ROOM, MY 3 YEAR OLD STOPS CYRING, BUT MY 2 YEAR OLD SAY SHE IS HURT. WHEN ASKING HER WHERE IT HURTS, SHE POINTS TO HER FOOT, HER LEG, HER HAND, AND HER ARM. I FIGURE SHE IS JUST TIRED, AND TELL THEM TO LAY DOWN FOR NAP TIME. WE HAVE ORIENTATION FOR SCHOOL, SO WE CALL A SITTER WHILE THEY ARE STILL ASLEEP, AND LEAVE. THE SITTER CALLS MID-ORIENTATION STATING SHE THINKS MY 2 YEAR OLD'S ARM OR SHOULDER IS HURT. WE COME HOME AND SURE ENOUGH, SHE SEEMS TO BE IN A LOT OF PAIN. I CALL OUR FAMILY DOCTOR, AND HE IS WORKING ER AND SAYS TO BRING HER IN. AFTER BEING ASSESSED AND EVALUATED IT IS DETERMINED HER COLLAR BONE IS BROKEN, BUT IS A VERY COMMON FRACTURE....

DECEMBER 4, 2009

I RECEIVE YET ANOTHER CALL FROM THE CASEWORKER. QUESTIONING ME ON THE INJURY MY DAUGHTER RECEIVED 2 DAYS BEFORE. I EXPLAIN TO HER WHAT HAPPENED, AND SHE ADVISES THE CASE WILL NO LONGER BE CLOSING DUE TO HER "NEW" INTAKE AND REPORT. SHE TELLS ME SHE NEEDS TO "INTERVIEW" THE GIRLS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I HANG UP. WHILE AT A FRIENDS HOUSE LATER ON THAT DAY, MY LANDLORD CALLS. HE IS VERY UPSET, AND ADVISES ME HE LET THE WPD IN TO SEARCH MY HOME, AND THEY ARE LOOKING FOR MY CHILDREN. IN SHOCK, I CALL MY MOTHER TO WATCH THE CHILDREN SO I CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT IS GOING ON. THE MINUTE WE GET TO THE HOUSE, THE WPD CALLS AND SAYS "NOBODY IS IN TROUBLE, WE JUST NEED YOU TO SIGN SOME PAPERWORK". 10 MINUTES LATER THEY SHOW UP WITH AN ORDER FOR PROTECTION. AT THIS POINT THEY NOTIFY ME, THEY HAVE ALREADY TAKEN MY CHILDREN INTO CUSTODY, AND RELEASE THEM TO THEIR FATHER.(THE ABUSER) OVERCOME WITH EMOTIONS I AM SO HYSTERICAL I CAN'T EVEN SPEAK....THIS IS FRIDAY EVENING...THE COURT HOUSE IS CLOSED...THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO, AND MY CHILDREN HAVE BEEN ENDANGERED. NEXT YOU WILL READ AN ARTICLE WRITTEN BY A DEAR FRIEND IN REFERENCE TO ME.

Sedgwick County 18th Judicial Court

Judge Jeff Syrios

Judge Syrios gave custody and granted a protection order of two small children to a convicted domestic violence criminal and the children who are aged 2 & 3 years old, were picked up on friday, 12/4/09, by the Wichita police and transported to an unknown location and the mother still has no idea where her children are. The mother of the little children went to see Judge Syrios today, 12/7/09, to explain the father's past and criminal conviction, father is suicidal, lives in a halfway house, and that these children are in danger, but Judge Syrios would not release the children back to the mother.

This father had other children from a previous relationship and his parental rights were severed in this same jurisdiction, here in Sedgwick County.

Mother had been investigated because one of the children had fallen and broke their coller bone. This was cleared by two medical physicians who noted that this was an accident. But now since father filed a protection order, the SRS is involved again which looks more like SRS is working for this convicted criminal.

DECEMBER 7, 2009

ME AND MY HUSBAND HEAD TO THE COURTHOUSE, TO SEE IF THERE IS ANYONE TO GET MY GIRLS BACK. OUR FIRST STOP IS THE PFA OFFICE.(WE THOUGHT THEY COULD ASSIST IN PROTECTING US) NO LUCK. THEY BASICALLY SAY, SORRY HE HAS TO BEAT YOU AGAIN, AND THEN WE CAN PROTECT YOU. THEY ARE ALSO MADE AWARE OF THE PFA FILED BY THE EX. AGAIN, SORRY, THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO, HE RAISED HIS HAND AND SWORE THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, SO HE MUST HAVE BEEN TELLING THE TRUTH...BLAH BLAH BLAH. NEXT STOP DISTRICT ATTORNEY NOLA FOULSTON'S OFFICE...AGAIN...NOTHING. NEXT STOP, THE JUDGE'S CHAMBERS. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THE JUDGE SPEAKS TO US. HE IS INFORMED OF THE ENTIRE SITUATION, BUT STATES ALL HE CAN DO IS MOVE THE HEARING DATE UP, AND WE CAN BE SEEN IN 3 DAYS....THIS IS BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN, SRS IS INVOLVED. APPARENTLY HE CALLED THE CASEWORKER ASSIGNED TO THE CASE, AND LOW AND BEHOLD SHE TOLD HIM SHE "RECOMMENDED" THEY STAY WHERE THEY ARE AT. WE WERE TOLD THEY ARE "FED, CLOTHED, CLEAN AND SAFE" AND "NOT TO WORRY, JUST SHOW UP FOR COURT"....

DECEMBER 10, 2009

PFA COURT. AFTER ABOUT 4 HOURS OF SITTING AND WAITING, OUR CASE IS FINALLY HEARD BEFORE A JUDGE. ON THE PLAINTIFF SIDE, ABUSE ALLEGATIONS ARE MADE, MEDICAL RECORDS ARE PRODUCED, AND TESTIMONY IS MADE BY HIM AND HIS MOTHER. THEY DUG A PRETTY DEEP HOLE ON THEIR ON, AND CONTRADICTED THEMSELVES MANY TIMES. THE ISSUE OF SRS GIVING THEM MY PERSONAL INFORMATION COMES UP, AND IS NOT CONTESTED BY EITHER.(INTERESTING HUH) THE REAL KICKER...PART OF THEIR DEFENSE CONSISTS OF A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION FROM THE SRS CASEWORKER, INVESTIGATING OUR CASE....FAXED FROM THE SRS CASEWORKER TO THE FAMILY COURT TRUSTEE....MORE PRIVATE INFORMATION BEING PASSED AROUND. NEEDLESS TO SAY AFTER 2 JUDGES HAVE REVIEWED THE EVIDENCE, EVERYTHING GETS DROPPED....AT LEAST UNTIL SRS DECIDES TO STEP IN, OR CUSTODY COURT ON DECEMBER 21ST. THE JUDGE ALSO ORDER A CHILD CUSTODY INVESTIGATION TO TAKE PART BEFORE COURT ON THE 21ST...BUT I AM ALLOWED TO PICK UP MY CHILDREN DIRECTLY AFTER COURT....AND AT THIS POINT...DEC. 10TH...THEY ARE IN MY HOME. SAFE. LOVED. AND SECURE. THE JUDGES AND FAMILY COURTS WILL STILL NOT PROVIDE ME WITH A PFA. UPON ARRIVING AT HOME, MY 3 YR OLD LOOKS ME IN THE EYES, AND SAYS "IF YOU ARE MEAN TO "TROY", HE IS GOING TO BEAT YOU REALLY BADLY." I ASSUME THIS MESSAGE WAS SENT THROUGH HER, DUE TO THE NO CONTACT ORDER IN PLACE....I AM PUBLIC WITH MY STORY, BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO ANYONE ELSE. I THINK SOMETHING DEFINITELY NEEDS TO BE CHANGED OR FIGURED OUT. THESE ARE CHILDREN, NOT PAYCHECKS. IT IS OUR GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO BE A PARENT. WE ARE NOT EVEN GIVEN A CHANCE TO DEFEND OURSELVES AGAINST THE ALLEGATIONS MADE. ONCE A REPORT IS RECEIVED, WE ARE GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN INNOCENT. OUR RIGHTS AS HUMANS ARE BEING VIOLATED. THIS HAS GOT TO END. OUR STORIES NEED TO BE HEARD, AND NOT FILED AWAY. THIS IS TRAUMATIZING OUR CHILDREN, AND THEY ARE NOT GIVING THEM A CHANCE. THEY ARE DESTROYING OUR KIDS, AND EVERYONE BUT THE MOTHER'S AND/OR FATHER'S ARE THE ONLY ONE'S WORRYING ABOUT PROTECTING THEM. MY CASEWORKER NEARLY SIGNED MY DEATH WARRANT, BY GIVING OUT VITAL INFORMATION TO MY PERPETRATOR. NOT ONLY THAT, BUT IS BASICALLY HOLDING HIS HAND THROUGH THE PROCESS.....IS THIS JUSTICE? IS THIS HOW THE SYSTEM IS SUPPOSED TO WORK?

tailored life coaching

Help Save Kids form Court Ordered Abuse

2009-12-29T14:02:00.001Z

Petition to Reunite Lora Brislin with her two daughters Megan and Elizabeth: We, the undersigned, are standing together in an attempt to speak for these little ones who are not allowed to speak for themselves and, in order to prevent further destruction in their lives, we are asking that this case be revisited and that The Truth finally be brought into The Light so that justice can prevail: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/reunite-lora-brislin-two-daughters

Take Action and Sign Now!

Here is their story:

http://parentingabusedkids.wordpress.com/2009/12/28/petition-save-sisters-from-court-ordered-abuse/

Lora Brislin is the mother of two daughters ages 6 and 4. Lora has not spoken to or seen her daughters since April of this year (2009). In May Judge Phyllis Miller of Gwinnett County, Georgia ordered that ALL custody and visitation be taken from Lora, and that the girls be in the sole custody of their father and his new wife.

Lora endured 5 years of physical and mental abuse at the

hands of her former husband, the father of their 2 girls. During which time he, repeatedly hit Lora as well as stalked, harassed, and verbally abused her.

During their marriage the father wanted nothing to do with their two daughters. When Lora finally found the courage to leave her abuser in October of 2006, the father suddenly became adamant in 2007 after advice of his attorney to start exercising his visitation because he was not doing so. Not only did he get visitation of these children, he began threatening to take custody away from Lora Brislin.

Lora has been the one, for two years now who has had to endure a battery of psychological tests, chastisement and ridicule from the courts, and little help on the part of law enforcement officials. For two years, Ms. Brislin has heard numerous pleas of help from her daughters and has tried to make the courts listen to her and her children and, once and for all, hear the TRUTH. Instead, she was laughed at by the courts, told she was making false allegations against their father, and was a menace to her children. On May 7, 2009 the father was awarded sole custody and Lora was to have no contact with her daughters whatsoever by their Judge who has since been disbarred this July 2009.

The father served a lengthy term in jail as a result of his criminal activity. In one of his previous marriages, not only did he also abuse his former wife as well. He abandoned his son and gave up his parental rights in exchange for child support (not having to pay).

Lora Brislin, along with the undersigned, is confused by this outrageous injustice by the court. Ms. Brislin is not the only loving and responsible mother who has had her children literally ripped from her arms and placed in the sole custody of an abusive father. We are asking that this case be reopened and investigated. We ask that this egregious injustice be dealt with, and that Lora and her daughters be reunited. If the sisters were placed in a neutral setting during this process and their safety assured to them, they would most likely state that they do not feel safe with their father and wish to be able to live with their mother. They were “whipped” into silence and at one point made to say it was their mother who was the alleged molester when they were accompanied by their father to interviews.

This grave misuse of power cannot be stood for! Clearly there is some reason other than simply poor judgment on the part of the courts that has caused Lora Brislin to lose all contact with her children. No matter what that hidden agenda might be, if the court decision is allowed to stand the Gwinnett County court system will be continuing to place these children in harms way and be punishing their mother for trying to protect them! NO CHILD OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN THIS STATE CAN BE CONSIDERED SAFE IF WE CANNOT GET THESE SISTERS SAFE!

There are men and women all over the country as well as all over the world, who are watching to see what is done about this horrific case of court-ordered abuse. We believe that if government officials do not intervene in cases like this in which a clear misuse of power has destroyed the lives of two young children and their mother, then the government should be seen as, not only negligent, but as condoning this outrageous behavior on the part of judges who seemingly, has to answer to no one!

Our family court system was supposed to have been put in place for the purpose of aiding families, and in cases where abuse is involved, supporting the protective parent, thereby ensuring the safety of innocent and defenseless children. In this case, however, it appears that the very system that was put into place for the purpose of protecting children is, instead, aiding in the traumatizing of these helpless victims.

Update December 8, 2009: I just wanted to let members know that though we have been threatened legal action if this and similar sites were not taken down, this will not deter us in our fight for TRUTH and JUSTICE. We are not interested in clouding issues, we want to bring the truth into the light and if this upsets people, then they must have… something to hide. We have obviously hit a nerve and we got a reaction. We will continue to advocate for the Brislin sisters until a true, ethical and indepth investigation is completed. Not limited to polygraphs and the reopening of former documented evidence.

***********

Petition to Reunite Lora Brislin with her two daughters Megan and Elizabeth: We, the undersigned, are standing together in an attempt to speak for these little ones who are not allowed to speak for themselves and, in order to prevent further destruction in their lives, we are asking that this case be revisited and that The Truth finally be brought into The Light so that justice can prevail: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/reunite-lora-brislin-two-daughters

Take Action and Sign Now!

Save 6 and 4 year old Sisters from Court Ordered Abuse Facebook Page:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/group.php?gid=196710765527

Partnership Against Domestic Violence (PADV), Georgia (Education, Safety Planning, Shelter, Advocacy): http://www.padv.org

UPDATE: Dombrowski Case: Trial set January 8th, 2010 (The Murder of Motherhood)

2009-12-21T16:50:00.000Z

December 18, 2009 -- Quick Publish to just update, will delve further as I can, Thank you my dear friends and family,

(To the Perpetrator and his many many attorneys and the dea Judge who is monitoring the ww for any activity relating to this case!)I will not shut up, give up and I WILL NOT GO AWAY!

Sin Denied Telling All; Reminding Others of Morals

UPDATE: Dombrowski Case:

SN. CO. Case No. 96-D-217

December 16, 2009

“ We walked into Court and Jason P Hoffman one’ of Attorney’s for the Perpetrator came with a two inch stack of ‘contempt’ papers (to clean up the internet) I still do not have copy of the recent contempt’s not allowed to have (as with GAL and FOC’s private reports) as I turn them all over to be published.

The current ‘claim’ remains – is I STILL have ‘ alleged images’ of my daughter (now why would I want images of my child and my dead mom?) But are actually ‘court documents’ and several media appearances’ most recently on Domestic Violence.

Not to mention that Kansas is at an all time record high in DV Fatalities in TWO DECADES with State Warnings and the Media and Senate Hearings Testimonies on the Kansas Joint Committee on Children’s Issues.”

KansasWatchDog: Video

and Audio Testimonies:

Claudine Dombrowski: An abused mom victimized again by the Kansas Courts

The bottom line is this:

1. I am NOT a threat to my daughter nor have I ever been alleged to be a threat to my daughter unlike that of the well documented HX of violence of the perpetrator.

2. Under K.S.A 60-1616: Unless AFTER hearing- showing that I am a threat or harm to my daughter- The Courts can not deny our parenting time- (as they have this past ten years) DV by Proxy and other Court Whores that Profit.

Like my daughters Guardian ad Litem GAL M. Jill Dykes, Topeka Kansas Bottom dweller and blood profiteer of children. and we shant forget the ‘good judge himself’ Judge ‘death’ David Debenham Who one year ago denied my daughter the right to go to her Grandmothers funeral.

So………..

We kill off Granny, now a year later, time to finish off mom? I think not!!

The ‘Best interest of the Perpetrators’ remains quite clear. Domestic Violence by Proxy

Domestic Violence (DV) by Proxy: Terrorist Tactics Employed by Batterers

In the below is a recent appellate court opinion where this statute was upheld and remanded back down to the lower courts, for error in denying parenting time and or ‘conditioned’ parenting time.

So, on Jan 8, 2010 ‘charge us or release us’- Habeas Corpus, find me a threat to my daughter or sever my (alleged) rights under the law. (the only piece of paper they have NOT done)

Media and testimonies to the Kansas Senate does NOT make me a Threat or danger to my child.

“ I am tired this is draining to do- so I will publish now- and update as possible.” I Love you my Mother and my daughter- “ Don’t Give up”

K.S.A. 2004 Supp. 60-1616(a), a parent has a right to reasonable parenting time unless the trial court finds, after a hearing, that the exercise of parenting time would seriously endanger the child’s physical, mental, moral, or emotional health. K.S.A. 2004 Supp. 60-1616(a) creates a rebuttable presumption that a parent is entitled to reasonable parenting time and visitation. This presumption may be rebutted if, after a hearing, the trial court finds that the exercise of parenting time would seriously endanger the child’s physical, mental, moral, or emotional health.

http://www.kscourts.org/Cases-and-Opinions/opinions/ctapp/2005/20050916/93450.htm

SYLLABUS BY THE COURT

No. 93,450

IN THE COURT OF APPEALS OF THE STATE OF KANSAS

In the Matter of the Marriage of

JANET BOULEY, f/k/a KIMBRELL,

Appellee,

and

WILLIAM DAVID KIMBRELL,

Appellant.

SYLLABUS BY THE COURT

1. Under K.S.A. 2004 Supp. 60-1616(a), a parent has a right to reasonable parenting time unless the trial court finds, after a hearing, that the exercise of parenting time would seriously endanger the child’s physical, mental, moral, or emotional health. K.S.A. 2004 Supp. 60-1616(a) creates a rebuttable presumption that a parent is entitled to reasonable parenting time and visitation. This presumption may be rebutted if, after a hearing, the trial court finds that the exercise of parenting time would seriously endanger the child’s physical, mental, moral, or emotional health.

2. The fundamental rule of statutory construction to which all other rules are subordinate is that the intent of the legislature governs if that intent can be ascertained. The legislature is presumed to have expressed its intent through the language of the statutory scheme it enacted. When a statute is plain and unambiguous, the court must give effect to the intention of the legislature as expressed rather than determine what the law should or should not be.

3. Orders which condition parenting time and visitation upon a minor child’s desires to see a parent give a minor child the authority to determine parenting time and can have the effect of denying parenting time altogether.

4. Among the factors that must be considered when determining the issue of child custody, residency, and parenting time under K.S.A. 2004 Supp. 60-1610(a)(3)(B) and K.S.A. 2004 Supp. 60-1616(a), the trial court must look at the desires of a minor child as to the child’s custody or residency. The child’s wishes as to custody, residency, and parenting time and visitation cannot be the exclusive factor relied upon by the trial court in determining parenting time.

Appeal from Douglas District Court; JEAN F. SHEPHERD, judge. Opinion filed September 16, 2005. Affirmed in part, reversed in part, and remanded with directions.

Brant M. Laue and Chadler E. Colgan, of Armstrong Teasdale LLP, of Kansas City, Missouri, for appellant.

Sherri E. Loveland, of Stevens & Brand, L.L.P., of Lawrence, for appellee.

Before MALONE, P.J., GREEN and BUSER, JJ.

GREEN, J.: William David Kimbrell (David) appeals the trial court’s decision regarding parenting time with his 16-year-old son Evan Kimbrell. The issue in this case is whether the trial court can condition a noncustodial parent’s right to parenting time with his or her minor child upon the desires of the child.

We determine that this cannot be done.

K.S.A. 2004 Supp. 60-1616(a) makes it clear that a parent has a right to reasonable parenting time with his or her minor child "unless the court finds, after a hearing, that the exercise of parenting time would seriously endanger the child’s physical, mental, moral or emotional health." Conditioning parenting time on the wishes of a minor child improperly gives the child the authority to determine a noncustodial parent’s rights to parenting time and visitation and can have the effect of completely denying the noncustodial parent’s rights to parenting time.

UPDATE: Dombrowski Case: Trial set January 8th, 2010 (The Murder of Motherhood) « A Human Rights Issue-Custodial Justice

Abuse Victim Wants to See Her Daughter Unsupervised

2009-12-07T19:28:00.001Z

Is it too much to ask that this mom be able to see her daughter in an unsupervised visit? The mom has done nothing wrong, has not done anything to her child...yet SHE is the one being made out to be a villain by the Family Courts in Kansas! This mom was abused by the very man that now has custody of her daughter! Please watch the following video and listen as the is battered mother speaks out about these atrocities.....

Leadership Council's Child Abuse and Custody Questionnaire

2009-10-20T00:10:00.000Z

Found this at UAADV News Blog

The Leadership Council is conducting a survey about Child Abuse and Custody. If you fit into a category where either of those pertain to you, I urge you to take this survey. Below is a little about it. It takes about 20 to 30 minutes. Without people doing the research to show that laws need to be revamped, changed or new ones all together......these laws will remain and abuse will continue to reign, with very little consequences to the abusers. Please pass this on to anyone else you think may be interested in taking this survey. Any bloggers out there? Blog it too, please!

Long URL: https://www.leadershipcouncil.org/survey/index.php?ch=d88fc6edf21ea464d35ff76288b84103
Short URL: http://bit.ly/3hf6hB

The responses on this questionnaire will be reviewed and tabulated regularly to supply information to the media, legislators and academic investigations.

The information you post is confidential and will be reviewed only by the researchers and administrators who are working with the data. It cannot be accessed by the public, and as research data is protected information.

The information from this questionnaire will be utilized for the purpose of furthering our understanding of child protection issues. Group trends will be shared, but no individual data will be shared without explicit permission from you.

Thank you very much for your efforts in helping us generate information that may protect children from abuse.

The Leadership Council is a nonprofit independent scientific organization composed of respected scientists, clinicians, educators, legal scholars, and public policy analysts. We are committed to providing professionals and lay persons with the latest scientific information on issues that may affect the public's health and safety. We also seek to correct the misuse of psychological science to serve vested interests or justify victimizing vulnerable populations -- especially abused and neglected children. The Leadership Council - Homepage

Abusers Use the Court System to Continue Victimization

2009-10-14T18:03:00.000Z

This is a copy of the speech written by Gail Lakritz and given today by Angela Warren at the Pueblo Colorado Conference. This speech was given to judges, police, lawyers and DV advocates.

How Abusers Use The Court System To Continue to Victimize Their Partners and Children

When a woman finally makes that decision to end the abuse and to flee the abusive situation, she rightfully expects that the police, her lawyers and the courts will protect her and her children from further harm. Being a member of the Sheriff's Posse, that is what I was thought. After all, the courts always operate solely by the law, correct? (Scan audience for nods of agreement) We all know that does not happen and that is why I was so confused by my litigation. When injustice reared its ugly head, it flew in the face of everything I thought our country stood for, and, as with most victims of abuse, I came to realize that the system is stacked against the victim.

Today, I want to speak to you about some of the ways the abuser will use the system to further the abuse during the litigation process. It is my hope that, by exposing these tactics, you will recognize in your peers, and perhaps yourselves, what is being done has real, and all too often, deadly consequences.

The litigation abuse begins the moment the abuser is arrested. He plays on the sympathy of the arresting officers. He will use excuses to enlist them in his game. He is, after all, a master at deception. He has years of practice. He is the person who can look you straight in the eye and lie. During the ride to the lock up, he will say things like "She is an alcoholic or a drug addict", "She is always picking on the kids" or "She takes all the money and spends it on herself and we never have enough to eat." Anything that will garner sympathy and sway them to lessen the severity of what is written in the arrest report. And, being taught to spot the antagonist of a situation as they true perpetrator of the situation, the police officer, who is generally male, will empathize with the abuser, and slant his report to favor the abuser. He will ignore what he has been taught, that the victim is most often the one who is hysterical and angry at having been attacked and side with the often calm and rational sounding architect of the situation. And the abuser has gained his first needed corner stone to further the abuse, for in the future, any calls to 911 will be met with skepticism by the police and all future reports of violence will be seen as insane acts by the actual victim.

During the booking process and his appearance for arraignment, when the victim is not present to hear what is being said to the magistrate, he will again repeat his reasons for the attack. Laying the blame on the victim. Now he has widened his circle of conspirators. Word will filter from these people to the Bailiff and on to the judge that there were "extenuating circumstances" that predicated the attack.

Now, as we all know, the key to any successful litigation is money. With money, comes the right lawyers and a venue that is considered to be the "home turf" for that lawyer. Abusers control the money, therefore, they can afford the lawyers who consider winning to be the sole measure of success, not the just application of the law.

In each court system in America, there are lawyers that are known to be the "dirty trick" lawyers. They are the ones who use often unethical and illegal means to deny the Constitutional Rights of a litigant and victim. They will look the other way, or outright encourage, the use of terror tactics against a victim. Judges and other lawyers within the local Bar Association know who these practitioners are will look the other way. In some court systems, judges will actually instruct new lawyers with "I don't care what you do in my courtroom so long as I am not investigated" leaving the avenue open for them to ply their brand of law in any manner they see fit. The idea is to win, not to be just. The abuser will seek out these lawyers, perhaps getting the name of one from a police officer or someone else in the system who just happens to be overheard talking or from another inmate in the lock up.

So now, the abuser has assembled his "dream team". The police, the dirty tricks lawyer and the complacent judge. What more could he ask for than to have swayed the system and set the victim up for further abuse? The abuser will get a slap on the wrist, be sent to Anger Management and, in some jurisdictions, have his record of abuse sealed. In Anger Management, the prep will learn new and better ways of abusing. He will learn to abuse without leaving the outward marks that would land him back in jail. He will hone his skills, through the knowledge passed on by other perpetrators attending these sessions. The things that worked for them will be shared in group in the form of "I reacted to the situation by...." You fill in the blank, as each and every one of you know the tactics, know how the pain can be caused both mentally and physically to a victim without leaving the marks or a trail of abuse.

The first thing the abuser will do after being released from jail is to widen his circle of allies. His dirty tricks lawyer has instructed him to get out in front of his victim, and being the superior liar that he is, he is only too willing to accommodate. Generally, abusers are loners, having few friends and having disassociated themselves from family. He has allowed only minimal if any contact between his victim and her family. He will suddenly become the "social butterfly" contacting people to enlist their help, always with the story of having been the victim in the situation. Neighbors that were shunned by him in the past are now become his confidants. Whispers of abuse by the victim are passed from one person to another. This serves two purposes. It provides a support system for the abuser as well as removing any hope of support for the victim.

The next step to the tried and true method of using the system to abuse is to make the victim seem insane to the system. The abuser or one of his allies will begin the relentless process of attacks that are designed to discredit. Break-ins of the home of the victim are a common means as are well placed phone calls where the abuser uses threats, such as the victim never seeing her children again. An abuser will actually enlist the help of the unwitting child, promising rewards of gifts or, if teenagers, no boundaries to live by. The abuser will reward the child for such things as removing evidence against the abuser from the victims home, lying to police or being complacent about what was witnessed in an incident. Often, no system of reward is needed. It is fear of the abuser, that places the child in the unenviable situation of having to lie. The child senses what will cause the wrath of the abuser to rise against them. If you come away from this presentation with anything, this is the one piece of information I hope you retain. The cycle of abuse is learned and continued by this one tactic alone, using the children as tools of abuse. Any person within the system who even suggests that the abuser use this tactic is guilty of nothing less than murder. (Scan the audience to see who is squirming or looks disinterested and focus your eyes on them for a split second. They are a guilty party.)

Police, having been repeatedly told that the victim is insane, will respond to such things as break-ins as a sign that the abuser is correct in his assessment of the victim. All too often, the abuser will leave something that informs the victim he was there, but at the point in time that the police are called, the victim will not know what is missing, if anything. Sometimes the victim will find veiled death threats, a picture that only the victim and her abuser knows the meaning of, a cartoon left on the computer screen, that is meant to frighten and intimidate. A tire will be slashed when her car is hidden from public view, mementos that have little or no monetary value will be missing. Reporting these incidents to the police enforce the abuser's position. And, when the victim turns to her lawyer for help, if she has one, she is told to ignore all violations of her home and person. You see, it takes two lawyers to execute a well choreographed legal Tango, and by this time, the repeated calls to the police by the victim, the well placed lies by the perpetrator, and, with the assistance of the complacent judge, her lawyer has been won over to not assist in any meaningful manner. Thus the victim is turned into the abuser and seen only as a source of possible revenue for her own lawyer who will offer little if any assistance in seeing that justice is blind, not blinded by gold. ( Pick out a person you have predetermined to be guilty and look directly at them)

During the actual litigation process, there will be a number of players that will be easily swayed by the events that have lead up to this process. GALs and CLRs are swayed by having contact with the abuser and his ever growing stable of allies, lawyers, police and judges. If the children are afraid of the abuser, they dare not say anything to these people that would endanger themselves. Social workers, mental health professionals, even medical doctors who rely on the system for income will not oppose the well built facade of the abuser and his well scripted theater of abuse.

At this point, I would like to see a show of hands. How many of you are judges? Please raise your hands. Keep your hands raised, please. How many are police officers? Keep your hands raised, please. How many of you are lawyers who represent abuse victims exclusively? Good, now if you could all stand up and look around. Do you recognize people from your own court systems in this room? Isn't it nice to know that some of the people who are not standing could, and I emphasis the word could, be manipulating you? (Pause for about 10 seconds) Thank you, you may all be seated.

How do the dirty tricks lawyers actually manipulate? First, talk is cheap, and the dirty tricks lawyer and his client never seem to run out of voice. They will take every chance to influence the judge and the opposition lawyer if there is one, the GAL and CLR, the therapist and mental health evaluator , the social worker, shelter workers and people in the Court Clerk's office. Ex parte is common and rampant in any court system. It can't be stopped unless you, the judges, choose to stop it. A few well placed words prior to the opening of court, the happened, but planned, introduction of the abuser to you prior to proceedings so that you can see how likeable this person is and to get his side, again getting out ahead of the opposition in the litigation. Tools used to put a human face on an inhuman act of violence.

During the early stages of the litigation, the dirty tricks lawyer and an abuser will go for the "all or nothing" approach to a custody question. The abuser, and his lawyer, being confident in the groundwork they have already laid, will not present a parenting plan. They will often seek to move out of the jurisdiction, often so far away from the abused, as to effectively terminate all parental rights. The abused, on the other hand will present a generous plan which will include more time with the abuser than a court would normally mandate. The judge, being the Solomon of the court, knows he cannot split a child down the middle, will have to award temporary custody to one parent or another, and this is usually to the person who already has "possession" of the child at the time of the hearing. (make the hand sign for quotes when you say the word possession). If the victim was forced to flee without the child, or if the child happens to be visiting the abuser at the time of the hearing, guess who gets the temporary custody? Yup, the abuser.

This is the beginning of the motions process. The abuser's lawyer will file motions with the court, often filing them back to back, and always asking for contempt sanctions against the victim. If the victim is unrepresented, this confuses and terrorizes her. If she is one of the fortunate ones, one of the women who was able to afford a lawyer, and motions and subpoenas are filed on her behalf, they are ignored by the dirty tricks lawyer. In the meantime, if she is Pro Se, her filings are ignored by the clerk's office or disappear all together. It never ceases to amaze me how often victims report missing filings, even whole files of proceedings that have gone missing. I can only surmise how it could happen, all of which violate state law. When she asks for a subpoena which must go through the courts for approval, the subpoena that is received for service contains errors made by the person who entered it into the system, precluding the effectiveness of that subpoena. These errors would only be obvious to a trained lawyer, thereby giving the dirty tricks lawyer a reason to quash.

The motions process will offer more ample opportunities for the dirty tricks lawyer to ply his trade. He will mail important filings to the wrong address, often transposing the actual numbers, to prevent receipt in time for rebuttal. He will refuse to accept mail from the Pro Se and then claim that it was not sent to him. He will state a date and time verbally, but put another date and time in writing, often bolding it to attract attention to the erroneous information. He will send a copy of a minor issue in a motion, with proof of mailing, and have a second copy hand served. The problem with this is that he has actually filed two separate motions with the court, one of paramount importance and the one of minor importance. He will then have proof of two separate deliveries to the victim and state that the one hand served was in reference to the major issue while the one mailed was in reference to the minor issue. Of course, he will blame all of this on the victim. She gave me the wrong address, I never got it, she was served and I have the proof.

Depositions are an extremely useful tool for the trickster. Though most states follow the rules of the Federal Courts for deposition, tricksters do not. As all lawyers know, the only time depositions should be used is when information cannot be gotten by subpoena. The dirty tricks lawyer will force deposition to make the victim face her abuser in an environment controlled by the trickster. One deposition trick will be to inform the pro se that a date and time for a deposition of his client has been set. He will send a list of questions to be asked, and state that the deposition will be limited to these questions. This offers the opportunity to pound the Pro Se with intimidation and terrorist tactics of threats. It also forces the Pro Se into setting up a second deposition of her own. Not knowing that it is not required to submit questions in advance, the Pro Se will dutifully submit the entire list of questions to the trickster, giving him time to concoct answers that would favor him. And lest the abuser make a mistake, there is nothing to worry about. The Court Reporter in attendance is one favored by the lawyer. One only need to Google the search term "Changed Transcripts" to confirm this is a common practice. The number of hits are well in excess of 7,000,000.

Proffers are useful when it comes to the dirty tricks lawyer. It is not uncommon for them to submit Proffers to the Pro Se that are never filed with the courts. These are filled with the lies that the abuser intends on in court and are designed to see which arguments are going to be used to counteract the lies in court.

Surprise witnesses are the life blood of the trickster. No subpoena has been issued to these people to appear, but they just happen to be in the area when the court date came up. Judges have a duty to curtail the use of these convenient witnesses, but seldom do, preferring to overrule objections. Often, they are nothing more than hired guns for the defense, parroting whatever the trickster wants them to say. There is often no rebuttal for their testimony, as the Pro Se or her lawyer had no time to prepare for their appearance.

Witness tampering is blatantly illegal but used by the dirty trick lawyer and his client at every turn. All that is needed is for the potential witness to be mislead with a story of the victim being the true abuser, and after all, if they testify, they would be putting the children, and perhaps themselves, in danger. Surely, anyone in their right mind would not want to testify under these circumstances, given that few people are willing to testify in the first place. If that doesn't work, there is intimidation of the witness. Most people have something in their backgrounds they would prefer no one find out. The dirty tricks lawyer is a master at using innuendo and sources like police, family and acquaintances to find that one skeleton. If that doesn't work, there is always the avenue of the witness's employer. Innuendo can be placed in letters to the employer from the lawyer stating that this or that has never been cleared.

In his bag, the dirty trick lawyer and his client rely on the assistance of Child Protective Services. If a direct call from his client does not produce the desired response, there is always the "innocent and disconnected" third party report. These reports can vary from the upper end of sexual abuse or exploitation of the child to reports that the mother is furnishing drugs to the child to such things as a child being left alone. In one case I know of, the GAL was talked into calling CPS when a teenage boy overdosed. What the GAL forgot to report was that the 15 year old had arrived from his father's home with a plastic bag full of pills, and when the mother discovered them, he grabbed them and downed them in an attempt to get rid of the evidence. The same mother was accused of leaving the than 16 year old alone for two hours by the same GAL. Again the GAL left out a very important fact. The child was at the home of a friend.

Court orders are often altered to reflect what the attorney and abuser wants. One mother, while living here in Colorado heard a knock on her door one day. The father, who had never once exercised his visitation, had moved five years previously to Washington state. He went to the local Colorado police with an altered court order for full custody of the son, than 7 years old. No one questioned the validity of the order, in fact, the police were only too willing to help him in removing the child from the mother. She never saw her son again. She was able to locate him last year in a suburb of Seattle, but now 20, he has had it drilled into his head that she wanted nothing to do with him and had willing given him up.

If all else fails, there is always the use of Parental Alienation to fall back on. Dr. Richard Gardner, using no identifiable research and much to the consternation of all recognized authorities, first placed this Syndrome in the minds of the courts to discredit mothers and to help men save on alimony and child support payments. We are all familiar with the theory that states that the mother is toxic to the relationship between the father and his children and that the only true cure for this toxicity is to severely limit visitation or to remove it all together. Abusers and their attorneys love to use PAS. It is one of the most effective forms of abuse of the victim.

Through all the court abuse, and I have only touched on some of the verifiable things that women suffer in the courtroom, there is a continued onslaught from the abuser. Stalking, break-ins, destruction of property and threats of further harm to the victim are normal. Checks for alimony or child support that are never received are also widely reported. Harassment is an ongoing problem to the victim. Planting seeds of doubt of a mother's love for her child in the child's mind, any avenue an abuser can think of will be used.

All of this for one objective, to carry on the abuse. And, the players in the courtroom are all aiders and abettors to that abuse, whether they realize it or not. The crimes we allow these people to get away with are crimes that are punishable by law, and by each and every one of you allowing them to be predicated on victims of violence, you are taking part in those crimes.

Now, as one last thing, I would like some of you to take part in a fun little exercise to reinforce some of what you have heard here today. I would ask that every judge in the audience stand up and glace around the room. I want you to pick out a person here that you do not know and walk over to them and without saying a word, I want you to grasp their hand and shake it. (Wait for them to do this)

Now, again without giving this person your name, I want you to whisper in their ear the year, color and make and model of the car your closest loved one drives. Now, I want you, without giving the city or town you live in, to tell them the street address of that person. Good. You have just given someone who may be a trickster lawyer or an abuser all the information they need. You have just put your loved one in danger, possibly signing that their death warrant. Think about it and try to have a nice day.

Remember When...part 1

2009-10-12T13:18:00.001Z

A touch, a smell, a sound; sometimes even the faintest glimpse from the corner of the eye, can bring back a memory as if it happened five minutes ago. A memory so deeply buried the mind no longer remembers the original happening, until that brief moment in time which yanks that memory to the fore-front of all thought.

Cooper...I taste bitter copper. Oh, I’m not crazy. That’s right I almost forgot, that is the taste of my own blood pooling in my mouth after being punched for I don’t know what this time. My tongue running around my teeth, they are all still there! Feeling a great relief at this!

Tentatively I open mouth a little, cool my jaw still works, so probably not broken. My face is sore and stiff but it seems to all be working properly. Blink. Can’t. Wait, what...can’t blink. My hands are frantically searching my face for what is stopping my eye, just the left one, from working.

Blood. Is that from my nose, mouth....eye? Get up. Need to see a mirror, assess the damage done this time. Slowly pulling myself to my hands and knees, oh my head is aching so bad. I would rather just lay here. NO! I have to get up, make sure I am ok, get my self cleaned up. I swore this would never happen again.

Head spinning, but I’m up! Walking with an unsteady gait to the bathroom. Look in the mirror...who is THAT?!? That isn’t me! WOW, this is way worse than last time. Wonder what I did? Ok, get in the shower, clean off the blood. I scrub so hard, trying to make it all go away.

The more I scrub the more the memory (oh that illusive little thing) comes back. Scrub harder so it goes away too. Cry. For here and only here are my tears hidden from view.

Back to the mirror. Front door clicks. Heart stops.

Oh, it’s nothing. Just my boyfriend, he was out, and brought me flowers. Oh how nice. I can go make dinner now and everything is fine. I still can’t see from my left eye, though...that’s weird.

Inside my head everything is weird I guess. I’m screaming....WHAT DID I DO? Oh that’s right, I’m a lazy cow. I remember now, while I am pulling a pan from the cabinet to start dinner. How dumb of me to want to change from my work clothes when I got home, before I started dinner.

How could I be so stupid as to think that maybe, just maybe since he wasn’t working he could have started dinner.

Hands on my back. Kisses on my neck. Skin crawling.

I turn around. Expecting...what I do not know.

Flash back to reality...I find gentle open arms, waiting to hold me...while I remember when...

How does DV effect children

2009-10-08T20:09:00.001Z

I have submitted an article to Anonymiss for the Nov. 09 edition of their blog carnival. They asked me to post this on my blog so that others would know about this edition in time to send in an article.

Nov 2009 DV Blog Carnival- How does DV effect children

Posted October 8, 2009

The Domestic Violence Blog Carnival that we set up is now accepting article submissions for the edition that will be posted on November 2nd 2009.

This editions theme is The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children. To submit an article please visit the submission page: http://blogcarnival.com/bc/submit_8381.html. The November edition will be hosted here at Anonymiss.

To view last months edition please visit the UAADV News Blog Domestic Violence Blog Carnival October 2009

If you have a suggestion for an upcoming theme or would like to host the blog carnival for an upcoming month, please send an email to: contactanonymiss@gmail.com with your suggestoins.

Nov 2009 DV Blog Carnival- How does DV effect children - anonymiss

Effects of abuse on the Children

2009-10-06T20:21:00.001Z

After a conversation I had the other day with a friend I decided to look more into the different effects that Domestic Violence has on children. There is no doubt in my mind that it harms them in various ways. We were just discussing the different ways that is does.

We were also discussing the fact that there is a tendency to compartmentalize the issues. Many people, including some advocates, try to keep Domestic Violence as an adult issue. However, I feel that it affects the children as well, and can not be just an adult issue to deal with. All aspects have to be looked at and considered.

I wanted to come up with a comprehensive list of the differing effects and in my search to do so I found a fairly decent list, so decided to just give that list rather than trying to create another.

I found this list at: Women’s Rural Advocacy Programs

Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may "indirectly" receive injuries. They may be hurt when household items are thrown or weapons are used. Infants may be injured if being held by the mother when the batterer strikes out.

Older children may be hurt while trying to protect their mother.

Children in homes where domestic violence occurs may experience cognitive or language problems, developmental delay, stress-related physical ailments (such as headaches, ulcers, and rashes), and hearing and speech problems.

Many children in homes where domestic violence occurs have difficulties in school, including problems with concentration, poor academic performance, difficulty with peer interactions, and more absences from school.

Boys who witness domestic violence are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes. There is no evidence, however, that girls who witness their mothers' abuse have a higher risk of being battered as adults.

Taking responsibility for the abuse.

Constant anxiety (that another beating will occur) and stress-related disorders.

Guilt for not being able to stop the abuse or for loving the abuser.

Fear of abandonment.

Social isolation and difficulty interacting with peers and adults.

Low self-esteem.

Younger children do not understand the meaning of the abuse they observe and tend to believe that they “must have done something wrong.” Self-blame can precipitate feelings of guilt, worry, and anxiety.

Children may become withdrawn, non-verbal, and exhibit regressed behaviors such as clinging and whining. Eating and sleeping difficulty, concentration problems, generalized anxiety, and physical complaints (such as headaches) are all common.

Unlike younger children, the pre-adolescent child typically has greater ability to externalize negative emotions. In addition to symptoms commonly seen with childhood anxiety (such as sleep problems, eating disturbance, nightmares), victims in this age group may show a loss of interest in social activities, low self-concept, withdrawal or avoidance of peer relations, rebelliousness and oppositional-defiant behavior in the school setting. It is also common to observe temper tantrums, irritability, frequent fighting at school or between siblings, lashing out at objects, treating pets cruelly or abusively, threatening of peers or siblings with violence, and attempts to gain attention through hitting, kicking, or choking peers and/or family members. Girls are more likely to exhibit withdrawal and run the risk of being “missed” as a child in need of support.

Adolescents are at risk of academic failure, school drop-out, delinquency, substance abuse, and difficulties in their own relationships.

This whole discussion came about because I saw that the Domestic Violence Blog Carnival started by Anonymiss is discussing this as the theme for the November Edition of the Carnival.

Domestic Violence or Just an Argument?

2009-09-18T03:36:00.002Z

I have noticed recently, well over the last several months, that more and more instances of domestic violence where police are called in are being reported as arguments or fights. This has really gotten to me. When it is domestic violence there is not a mutual fight nor is there a mutual argument most of the time.

Domestic Violence has a pattern to it. To see the cycle of abuse wheel go here: http://www.safeplaceministries.com/pdf/Learning%20to%20Recognize%20Abuse.pdf The first page has the three stages of abuse on it with details and the second page shows the Power and Control Wheel.

Domestic Violence is about control, or as some say power, either way it is the same. It does not happen because the finances are tight or someone is stressed out. Those things can make a person lash out at loved ones, yes. However, those things are not what prompts an abuser. The wanting to control another person is what drives an abuser and they will use every excuse they can think of to manipulate others into 'seeing things their way'.

While I do not think that physical fighting is ever the way to handle a situation I can say I do believe that there is a difference in someone getting stressed about loss of income or finances or whatever else and striking out. When this happens, yes it usually is a two-sided argument and one side or the other has a momentary lapse of control of their own anger and hits the other.

Domestic Violence is a continuos cycle! It begins with the small things that many do not recognize as even being abusive at first. Many women that I have talked to say that when they look back at it they clearly see now when it began but not at the time it was going on. Many start out with verbal abuse or mental abuse. Usually not escalating to physical abuse until they are sure their victim believes whatever threats they have made and they are sure they have complete and utter control over the victim.

Although I agree that men are responsible for the majority of physical domestic violence I believe that women are responsible for much of the verbal and mental abuse; they just never go as far as to start hitting to get their way. It is a fact of life that most women just simply are not strong enough to beat the crap out of a man on a regular basis. Manipulative women generally will use tears rather than their fists to get their way; because that is what works. Have you ever heard someone comment that a certain man is 'hen-pecked' or in days more colorful language 'pussy-whipped'.

People joke all the time about men wearing the pants in the family and I have heard a few even joke about the women controlling the belt that holds those pants up. Marriage and intimate relationships are supposed to be a 50/50 relationship, each person bringing their strengths and complementing the other to make things run smoothly in the household. Neither party should ever think they have the right to order the other about or be the 'boss' over the other.

Please take a look at the link I listed above and if you think you are in an abusive relationship please seek help with your local DV Shelter or agency. If you are not sure how to reach them call your state domestic violence hotline. If you can not find that number then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233

Before you leave an abusive relationship make a safety plan, if you can. Visit WomensLaw.org for legal info and state specific laws.

What NOT to say to an Non-Custodial Mother

2009-08-28T01:17:00.001Z

This is based on the non-custodial mother (NCM) being non-custodial due to a custody battle with the child’s father or other family member. This is not for those that are removed by Child Protective Services or another agency of the sort. The following are examples of things that you should not ever say to a protective mother who has lost her kids (or is fighting to protect them) through the court to her abuser or even worse to the abuser of the child.

So, please keep this in mind as you read what NCM’s have had others say to them, why it is the wrong thing to say. I have collected and added direct quotes from some NCM’s that for safety reasons are not named. Imagine how you would feel after losing your kids to an abuser if these things were said to you.

I have written this article from the perspective of a life coach not only of NCM’s, but of abuse victims and advocates as well. I noticed that there was a common thread of victims telling me what people were saying to them; as well as advocates saying that they had said something and couldn’t understand the reaction they received. This is intended to be a brief overview for advocates, friends and family; as well as to show NCM’s everywhere that they are NOT alone or crazy!

Your kids will come back to you. The first thing that goes through a mothers mind when this is said to her is “What when they are 18, and no longer know where I am?” Because until then the child can not decide (in most states) and even if they could they are basically being held hostage by an abuser. So, NO, the kid will not just magically reappear or ‘come back’. Do not say things that could sound patronizing or even promising to a mother who is in fear for her children, it is never taken the way you may mean it. Along these same lines are some other similar things that moms have been told:

Your child will be 18 years old, in 8 years, then you can see them. (What loving parent wants to wait that long to see their child? Especially when that child is being abused or mistreated.)
The abusive father will give the child back to you as soon as they are a teenager. (Not only is this not true, but if you can admit that he is abusive then you must also admit that he should not be raising the child; and therefore rather than tell the mother to just sit around and wait, you should provide help in getting the child away from the abuser.)
You'll get your kids back (How do you know she will get her kids back, when will this happen, etc. These are the things the mom thinks when this is said; so if you can’t answer those questions then don’t make the statement.)

You must not be telling me the whole story There are mothers all over this country ( and others) that have lost or are loosing custody of their children to abusive fathers. Non-abusive fathers do not fight to take their kids away from mothers that have done nothing wrong to the children or put them at risk in some way. Abusers are very good at manipulation and control, they accuse their victims of the very same things they have done. Protective mothers are emotional about their kids being in danger; as all good parents are. Abusers can remain calm, cool and collected throughout the custody battle because they really just do not care about anyone but themselves; therefore they do not get emotional. Rarely will they ever show their abusive side to others...only their victims get to see that. Many victims of domestic violence are not believed for these reasons. So one of the worst things you can do is to blame the victim by showing your disbelief in the situation in this way. Other comments similar to this that should also be avoided are:

He couldn't have been all that bad, the court would NEVER give children to a child molester or an abuser (This, sadly, is just not the case for the reasons that I described above)
If the mistreatment was really so bad your child would be complaining more, and be trying to get out herself. (Many adult victims can not get out of abusive situations, what would make anyone think that a child could do any better?)
I don't really believe _________, this just sounds so unbelievable, it can not be true. (No matter what that blank is filled in with, it is just cruel to say this to a mother in this type of situation.)

The following are just heartless and cruel when you think of them in this context. How would any sane, protective parent feel if told they must let their child live with a pedophile or an abuser? Many mothers are threatened by jail if they continue to make ‘false’ reports. Once jailed they know there is absolutely nothing they can do to help their children.

You'll get through this (How?)
Just don't think about it and move on (How does one forget about a child that is being abused and just move on?)
Get over it (How?)
Think of your other two kids, focus on them
You have to forget this child, & move on with your life

Religious references Not all religious references to the situation are unwelcomed. Offering to pray with or for a mother and her children are usually taken as they are meant; with kindness. How please do not say the following unless you are prepared right then and there to get out the religious text I say this as all people are not Christian and therefore not everyone uses a Bible to back up the statements) where this can be found; show and explain it. Even then the pain and heartache that the mother are going through may cloud her being receptive to turning to religion as she has done in the past for other matters.

God never gives you more than you can handle
You just have to pray harder, God will listen then
You must have strayed, God doesn’t let this type of thing happen to people who believe in him
God is testing you

Judicial References Making statements or giving advice that are illegal are first off just bad practice, do not tell a mom to just ‘go get her kids’; without first knowing what you are talking about. Many people in this country (and others) are very blinded to what really happens in family court rooms, until it happens to them. Sometimes it is the money involved (in various ways), sometimes it is the fact that the abuser is manipulating the court officers; but regardless of the reason, it is happening. Saying things like the following are counter-productive for a mother in a custody battle (or who has already lost custody) to hear and contemplate.

Just get the judge removed or change the venue (Not as easy as it sounds, if you are going to say this; back it up with a plan and some help in doing so. This can happen is some cases but not many)
You can't fight the system (This is basically telling the mom to forget and let it go. Very discouraging and harmful!)
Judges and Lawyers are honest, they take an oath OR What did you do to have the judge dislike you? (Judges and Lawyers are people just like the rest of us and can be bought and paid for as well as manipulated by abusers)
They don't deny people their civil rights in America OR Corruption doesn't exist in America, Russia, yes, America, no (This is a very dangerous and naive assumption to make)
Court records don't just disappear. Are you sure you filed them (Again, don’t blame the victim and further the abuse by helping her abuser make her think she is crazy and incompetent. As important as her kids are; NO she didn’t forget to file anything!)
The courts write up the decision, not lawyers (Decisions are made between lawyers all the time outside the courtroom, all the Judge does is then sign whatever they say has been agreed upon.)
GALs are there to protect the children (Again, they are also people. Yes, it is their job to protect children but they too can be manipulated by an abuser.)
Women say they or their children are being abused so they will win in court. They are all false accusers (This happens in so few cases that it isn’t worth going into.)
You don't know how to pick a lawyer: if you wore more makeup when you initially meet with your lawyer, maybe they would decide to take the case. (Totally irrelevant!)

Quotes from moms who have experienced first hand some of the things discussed above:

A co-worker looked me in the eyes and said, "Wow. My ex-wife had to majorly fuck up for me to get custody. What did you do to lose?" Then, the day I lost my kids, my fiancé said: "Set a date today. Now that you don't have kids anymore, you have no excuse to put it off." "You can move in immediately, and now we can live anywhere we want because you don't have your kids holding us back anymore."~~A mom, after loosing custody to an abuser.
I loved (sarcasm) when people would say - well you married him. Or even better - why didn't you get the house? I think the biggest is you must have done something wrong. I love the ones who say to me now that I should just not let her go to her dads. Like yeah okay that would be the fastest way for me to lose custody. ~~Mz P

There are so many things that could be added here! Please leave comments on this article to help others understand!

Written By: Mary Morgan Posted here with permission

Welcome!

2009-08-27T19:16:00.004Z

Hi all and welcome to Obstreperous Expressions! We are glad you stopped by to poke around and hope that you will be coming back to read more!

First off why the name? Well as abused women and one of us being a non-custodial mom for so long, we felt that this name gave substance to why we are writing here. We refuse to be ordered about anymore, and we are going to be loud about it. We are strongly objecting to the control that has been forced on to both of us in the past by abusers and family court systems which allowed the abusers to continue controlling us. Here is where we have decided to express our objections!

We also would like for others to express their objections here as well. Leave us a comment, follow us in Google Reader and link to us. Send us your stories as well. We can post them up anonymously for you and even help you with scrubbing out identifying information if you need to do that. We are both using aliases (like you hadn't noticed that already) to both protect ourselves and others.

We plan for this to be a place where other victims of domestic abuse and the justice system can come to realize that they are NOT alone in this and gain the confidence they need to start finding the resources that can help. We want to empower victims to start objecting to the control being placed up on them. Even if a victim can not protest and object outwardly at first, even if they can't verbalize for fear of retribution; they can begin making plans to do so in the future!

We are taking every effort to verify any resource that we share here. We still will not be held accountable for the actions of said resources but we are not going to share things without first checking them out within our abilities. So, for instance, we will not just do a search on "domestic violence resources" and give you the top five results; if it were that easy you could do that for yourself.

We also understand that many will not agree with everything we have to say. We also don't care. As everyone is entitled to their own opinions; we have ours. Healthy debate is good for all; verbal attacks are not! I'm sure that the two of us do not even agree on every single aspect of what is being discussed here. Both of us do however believe firmly that if one is not part of a solution then that one is part of the problem.

This is our way of being part of a solution!

Ashley and DenomShi